Southern Fried Chicas

So you’ve finally sent that manuscript off to the publisher/editor/agent, hmmm? You know the one. The one you’ve been slaving over, the one you think is your best ever.

It’s only natural you’d be anxious to receive some response as quickly as possible.
Please find below a few gentle hints that might make your waiting time a little easier.

1) Embrace elevator music. That’s the standard when you find yourself on hold, yes? So, get rid of all your favorite rock, smooth jazz, inspirational stuff—elevator music is the way to go. With the added benefit that, after a few days, you’ll be too brain-dead to care about your submission.

2) Read. Catch up on the latest hits in publishing. Spend a few days at the library and absorb the dreams, talent, and wisdom hidden between all those covers. And while you’re reading the best, try reading some of the worst. It might make you feel a little better, and you can learn from both.

3) Kidnap the editor/agent’s favorite pet (Amie knew that was coming).

4) Stop focusing on yourself. Do something for others. Local charities are always in need of help. Food banks. Church groups. Go back to school, take up first aid. Knowing how to treat skull trauma would come in handy for all those headbanging authors out there.

5) Get your husband/boyfriend/loved one more involved in your work. Tell him there’ll be no more nookie until he reads and compliments every single word you’ve ever written. Feel the love.

6) Stop stalking your mailman. Poor bastard works for the Post Office. He’s got enough problems. And trying to bribe him with cheap jewelry might work at first, but only once. The postman never blings twice.

7) Nature is the great rejuvenator. Fresh air clears the mind. Moonlight feeds the muse. And soap, water, and sunlight will clean and dry that lucky shirt of yours. You know, the one you’ve insisted on wearing every day, sure it’ll get you a positive response on that sub? Go fetch it now, there’s a good author. It’s standing up in your bedroom, waiting.

Take up a hobby! It’ll get your mind off the waiting. Knitting is restful. Drawing and painting are great creative outlets. Photography is fabulous. Include a photo of yourself standing casually in front of the editor’s building with an AK-47. Who knows? It might get you out of the slush pile.

9) Begin something new IMMEDIATELY. And get so wrapped up in it that you practically forget about that submission. So when your response finally does arrive, it’ll be
almost like one of those women who swear they never knew they were pregnant and wind up giving birth in the dingy bathroom of some sleazy bingo hall and all the other players are so thrilled they chip in and give you their winnings. Surprise!

10) Run for office, steal a fortune, or become an acclaimed actor/actress. Then implicate others, or have a forbidden affair, or arrange to have a video of yourself having sex released on the internet. Set yourself up with a smart agent and speedy ghost writer, and all you’ll have to wait to see is who wins the auction.