Southern Fried Chicas

Welcome to the Author’s Virtual Holodeck.  This computerized voice is keyed to enhance your listening pleasure and will lead you along your safe, simulated journey.  Please insert your purchase-paid microchip and clearly say your pseudonym.

“Raine Weaver.”

Good evening, Ms. Weaver.  May I ask if you are a dues-paying member of our establishment?

“No.  I can’t afford—”

One moment, please.

“Hey.  Your voice just changed.  I know that voice…Mrs. Grimley, my fifth grade gym teacher who didn’t believe in PMS?”

Our sweet, dulcet sound effects are reserved for members only, Ms. Weaver.  Now, may I ask for your qualifications?

“Well…I’ve written a few e-books.”

E- published writer.  Ha.  I see.

“Hey, hey lady!  I’m paying my money, like anybody else!  And I didn’t come here for a hard time.  All I want to do is enjoy my role-playing program, give myself a little positive lift.”

Of course, Ms. Weaver.  That is why we’re here.  Which program would you like to enact?

“Receiving ‘the call’.  I mean, if you please.”

My, my.  Isn’t that original?  And quite a stretch of the imagination for an e-published writer.

“Yeah?  How’d you like this microchip up your—”

I’m sorry.  I’m afraid that program is not currently available.  It’s parameters have been fried by wannabees who used it too often.  Please select another.

“Hmmm.  Phone tag with a top agent who’s dying to sign me on?”

I’m sorry.  Our virtual agents are not taking on new clients at this time.  Please select another.

“A successful series?”

Only available to regular members.  The cost of memory is prohibitive.  Have you considered daydreaming?

“Byte me, beeyotch.”

That program is available.  Please request “E-book Erotica Research” and take the lift to the darkest, lowest level.

“Sigh.  Isn’t there ANY kind of pleasurable simulation I can get for my money?”

This holodeck system is capable of fulfilling many fantasies.  Please modify your expectations.  Perhaps consider something relaxing, escaping the world of writing for a change, and specify.

“Intergalactic date with Mr. Spock?”

I’m sorry.  That program is in use, and not currently available…