May 16, 2008
Death to Pollyanna
“Did you get my e-mail?”
With my keyboard in my lap, I twisted uncomfortably in my seat, even as I typed the reply. “Yeah, of course. Um…which one?”
“The IMPORTANT one.”
My correspondent—we’ll call her Debbie—was a sweet-hearted person and had been a good on-line buddy. Except for one tragic flaw.
Her penchant for sending Pollyanna e-mails tainted with death threats.
Now, I love inspirational stuff as much as the next person. And to be fair, I don’t think the Dark Side of the messages even registered with her. A happy little e-mail fairy, she was intent on spreading the good word to everyone she knew.
Unfortunately, the good word was actually “intimidation”.
I hurriedly delved into my “recently deleted” e-mails, praying something of hers was still there. Something important. “Oh! You mean the one about how the walking stick-figure of Jesus is on an e-mail journey across the world, and if you disrupt the continuity it might bring on the Apocalypse?”
“No, no, not that one.”
I read the next one as fast as my effing dial-up would download it. “Then you mean the one about how thrilled you are to know such a proud, intelligent, independent woman who’s so capable of making her own decisions, but I absolutely must send this e-mail on to prove it?”
“Nope. The other one.”
Dammit. “Oh, okay. The one about how God loves us so very, very much, and if I don’t spread the word by sending the e-mail to at least fifteen other people within five minutes of receipt, I just might suffer a dark and horrible death, like John Jones of Clayton, Missouri?”
“Wasn’t that the saddest story?”
“Yeah. Tragic. Exactly when did you send this e-mail?”
“Four days ago.”
Eureka! I had it. Clicking on “read”, I waited impatiently for the screen to come up.
“Um…Debbie? What if I don’t think the pattern in the newborn calf’s coat looks like the number ‘666’?”
“Well, pass it on anyway! It’s important that people know what’s going on in this crazy world.”
I’ve thought about it and thought about it, and I could only come up with one solution for people who indulge in this kind of thing.
Kill them. Kill them all.
But first be sure you have the right ones. We can’t afford to attack the innocents, but can’t let the guilty ones continue this campaign of terror.
The answer?
Send an e-mail out to the suspicious ones, an e-mail threatening dire consequences if they don’t pass it on—and, of course, send it back to you.
Yeah.
Got ‘em.
I have broken so many chains with my little finger…
but… but… what if it’s your … MOTHER who sends them to you
LMAO! Oh boy have I broken a few thousand chains over the years. If all the curses worked, I’d already be in the Seventh Level of Hell. Worse, my own brothers and sisters have me in their forward list. No ‘hi, how are you’… just some item about donning my aluminum hat at 4 AM, and if I don’t forward the call to arms to at least five others, Solomon Grundy will come knocking. :)
After the first five ones sent to me I stopped reading them. They are grown up chain letters. Here is my favorite set up:
Such-n-such got this e-mail and didn’t read it.
He got hit by a bus the next day.
Such-n-such got this e-mail, read, but didn’t send it to any of his friends.
His mom and dad were murdered in their sleep.
Such-n-Such read and send to 5 people.
She won the lottery and found her true love.
I told my friend: “I guess I’m going to die soon. Thanks for the e-mail.”
People who send chain emails should have their fingers broken and computers burned right before their eyes. they should also be banned from ever getting within 150 ft of a computer EVER AGAIN!
I HATE HATE HATE THEM! Especially assholes who don’t know how to blind carbon copy. I DO NOT Want all your friends and their friends and their friends knowing my work email address–k?
I have a friend who insists on sending them to me. No amount of reasoning, logical, and/or checking on snopes, will convince her to do otherwise. I’ve just come to accept she has my best interests at heart. lol. But unless the ‘message’ is particularly uplifting (without feeling manipulative), I just delete them.
I have one person who sends me nonsense like that, and I’ve just gotten into the habit of deleting her emails unread.
y’know… what drives me the most nuts tho are the folks who you ONLY hear from maybe once a year and it’s for a chain…
LOVED IT LOVED IT LOVED IT.
I don’t do the “forwards”— but I have to admit to being guilty of sending my daughter too many e-mails that said, “I’m bored.”
HEY: before you judge me too harshly, know this: I’ve been unwillingly off-work for four weeks now. I had an unplanned (read: emergency-type) surgery just about a month ago, and I’ve had to figure out what to do with myself. The answer, apparently, was NOT this:
1. Me, to my daughter: “I’m soooo bored!”
2. Daughter, to me: “You’ve sent me six e-mails. The one with Hillary Clinton’s head on a guy who was wearing a tutu and cowboy boots was mildly amusing. The Far Side cartoons, no so much. STOP FLOODING MY GODDAMN INBOX! :) ”
3. Me, to daughter: “Oh, YEAH, like putting the smiley face at the end really takes the sting away…”
4. Daughter, to me: “Well, Mom, there’s no emoticon for the stinkeye.”