December 9, 2007
Rant Central
Fasten your seatbelts because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
14 Things I Hate About Romance Movies/Novels And The People Who Read/Write Them:
Some of you may or may not agree with everything I’m about to say. And that’s okay. Disagreement is good. It adds to the discussion. Besides, wouldn’t it be boring if we all thought alike? 
The following is a list of some things that annoy me:
1. Kickass heroines who act more like men than women. I’m all for female empowerment, but it IS okay to be a girl, ya know?
2. Kickass heroines who won’t let a man be a man. Yes, share in the adventure. Share in the quest to get the bad guy, but for goodness sakes, know when to back the hell off. Ladies, God made men and women differently for a reason. Just as there are a lot of things we can do better, there are a lot of things guys can do better too. Not only that, but they’re taller. AND they’ve got bigger muscles. I like that. 
I also like when a guy takes the lead. I LIKE feeling protected by somebody physically stronger than myself. So kill me.
3. Heroines who let the hero take the lead ALL THE TIME. These silly women are a waste of good paper and ink. Would they survive for five minutes alone? I doubt it.
4. Heroes who behave more like women than men: using flowery words, lengthy dialogue. These guys aren’t heroes. They’re GIRLY MEN. Unless he’s a poet, a writer, or was born centuries ago, the author should be beaten. Severely.
5. Native American heroes on romance covers who look like white guys with tans. 
6. Whiny vampires who can’t accept the fact that they’re dead. Poor, poor whittle baby. 
My heart bleeds for you. NOT!
IT’S BEEN THREE HUNDRED YEARS, FOR GODSAKES. GET OVER IT!
7. In historicals: Rakes/womanizers who screw everything with a pulse, but never get VD. Or the crabs at the very least.
8. Heroines who have never had an orgasm until HIM. Come on! Are you trying to tell me she never even made HERSELF happy? 
9. Authors who think Jamal and Malcolm are the only names African American males have. What’s wrong with Richard, Christian, Daniel, David, John, Max, Michael, Nicolas … etc?
10. 
Heroes and heroines who tongue kiss and make wild monkey love first thing in the morning without visiting a toothbrush. Are you kidding me? 
11. Heroes with trust issues. He can’t open up because some b***h did him wrong. 
Or maybe his mommy didn’t breast feed him. 
AGAIN, GET OVER IT!
12. 
People who make the face when I tell them I write romance.
13. People who won’t try romance movies/books that feature protags from races other than their own. 
We live in a melting pot, no? 
There’s a whole ‘nuther’ world out there. Why not give it a whirl? I read and watch stuff by EVERYONE. Doesn’t matter. I love romance.
Period. 
14. In non-erotica romance novels (be them historical or contemporary), I have yet to read a heroine who doesn’t panic or try to push a hero away when he decides to go down south on her in bed. 
Yeah, that. 
(Tanya whispers) Look, if she’s worried about hygiene, she should’ve thought about that before she dropped her bloomers. 
Yeah, I said it. 
“Yeah, I said it.”
Glad you did.
By and large, these things bug me too.
LMAO! Very entertaining, especially numbers four and six.
#1 and # 2 are the main reasons why when someone say’s ‘kickass heroine’ in regards to a book, I say ‘pass’. Too often “kickass” reads like “hardass”, or “bitch”.
There’s a reason why *no one* thinks of Buffy or Scully, or Sydney (Alias) or Nikita (La Femme etc), or Ripley (Alien) or Zoe Wasburne (Firefly) as hardass bitches, even though they are the epitome of what one thinks of as kickass (action) heriones. I wish more authors would pay attention to the complexity of character and corresponding vulnerabilities of these ladies, instead of emasculating their heroes just so the chick-with- a-d*ck-and-a-chip-on-her-shoulder heroine can be center stage.
The one page tragic childhood backstory/info dump is insufficient to illicit my empathy for a character who is not very sympathetic for the other 389 pages of the book. And shows no growth beyond the obligatory realization she cares for the hero at some point, and no further self-awareness beyond the bitterness/guilt, etc she entered the story with in chapter one.
Ruh-oh, I think your Ranty Mcvirus just found another victim. lol.
Thumbs up on the rest of this list. lol.
Okay, first of all—where’d those alien smilies come from?!
You can’t come in here & use smilies I don’t have access to, lol!
But basically, yeah—I pretty much agree with what you have here (good list).
I might disagree with number 11, depending on the circumstances. I think some people are more sensitive than others, and some b!tches can screw a guy over much worse than others. If he’s in the “I’ll Never Trust Women Again” league, I’d definitely agree.
But if he’s in the “I’m gonna be a lot more careful this time around” society, I can deal with such a hero.
And relate.
I was looking for the smileys too…LOL
I LOVE the list . . . #12 uh yeah, It’s uber-fun at scouts or school when I say I am on a deadline and they ask why. Um, hello you got kids it’s not like you don’t know what I’m talking about!
IT’S BEEN THREE HUNDRED YEARS, FOR GODSAKES. GET OVER IT!
nuf said!!!!!
tanya come see me about those smilieys
(j/k!!! Just tell me where you got them so I can add them so Raine doesn’t kill me)
Bernita,
Believe it or not, this was the short list. I had another 14 things but I figured they’d make me look like a raving fishwife if I kept them in.
Bernard,
Those two are particularly annoying since I just finished reading a book with both of those issues in them. A whiny vampire who had friends who weren’t immortal like him, and they all talked like women. I wanted to beat them. Very hard. With a tree trunk. It was an extremely frustrating read.
Vanessa,
Couldn’t agree more. The one page of backstory doesn’t cut it, and by the time it’s given I’m so turned off I couldn’t care less. It’s the same with film super women. With the exception of those you mentioned, and a few others I can think of, many of these macho heroines could use a case of estrogen pills. Either that, or a good tumble in the sheets by a man who knows what he’s doing.
Raine,
I agree with you. But see, I’m not talking about a cool guy who got royally screwed by a woman (Daniel Craig’s James Bond comes to mind). A man like him HAS to be cautious. He can’t afford to let a woman in. Not in his line of work. It could get him killed and take him off his game. I’m also not talking about a nice guy who is nursing a broken heart and decides to proceed with caution. That’s natural and completely understandable.
I’m talking about the whiny little boy who holds every freaking woman responsible for some silly crap the last witch he was with did to him. This guy can see the heroine is a nice girl, with honest intentions, but he still chooses to act like an @ssclown. He’s overly suspicious and distrustful. This type of man gives me the hives.
These ‘heroes’ (for lack of a better word) are products of lazy writing. The author couldn’t think of more compelling conflict, so she threw this emotionally immature idiot together. Guys like this can’t see the tree for the forest in front of them.
Dennie,
It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even mention romance. I just say I’m a fiction writer and leave it at that. The alternative is filled with too many minefields. I’m “thisclose” to telling somebody to kiss my grits.
Cece,
Those smileys are saved on my computer. I picked them up a while ago. I can’t remember where I got them, but I could send you the files if you want. Let me know.