June 11, 2007
Dating….and er men
*sigh* I’ve decided it’s time I dated again.
It’s been six years and honestly, I think I’m ready. I know what I want (a friend with benefits) and what I don’t want (marriage) and I feel like I”m in a good place to get what I want. But here’s the deal–it’s so EASY to find a reason to reject a man (and yes, I know I have issues).
Anyway, I placed a person ad and I got a lot of hits. Unfortunately most of them seem interested in cyber-sex than anything. And one rather sad discovery I made (Thursday night on IM–though I”m convinced part of the problem was he was asking me my favorite position and I was trying to watch the Cavs and the Spurs…hello BASKETBALL) was that I don’t know what to say…so, besides the obvious “Be yourself” I’m looking for dating advice from you ladies out there.
Come on…help a sister out. Cuz here’s the thing….the longer I wait, the harder it’s going to be. And it’s already hard. No puns intended
I rushed over here, thinking you were going to solve all my dating problems.
As one who’s tried Internet dating, Five Minute Dating, Dating Salons, Meeting Games, social clubs, charity functions, and the old-fashioned, out-dated meeting IN PERSON at grocery stores/bars/etc. to name a few, I think Internet dating is the #1 time waster. Some men (and I’m sure women, but I’m not looking for women) seem to want to be email pen pals or send IMs all day, while never meeting (hence, they’re into the fantasy, I guess). But let’s say you finally get beyond all that, and 1 gazillion keystrokes later, you connect and finally decide to meet, there’s no sizzle in person. So now you’ve wasted all that time.
I know there are those who swear by Internet dating but not me. My advice is to stick to things where you meet in person. And, considering you’re looking for a “Friends with Benefits” as opposed to a r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p, I think that’d be a lot easier to find. ;-)
Good luck, girlfriend!
LOL Sorry Rachelle! Actually every man I’ve dated sine my divorce I met online. A few were good, most were bad, just like anything else.
You’re right about online dating. Most men just seem to want sex chat which frankly I find incredibly stupid and boring and a huge distraction from my basketball game *cough* and some are probably even married and looking for some online daytime flirtation, but I figure it’s no bigger a waste of time than going to the bar. Which frankly, doesn’t appeal to me–picking up a guy in a bar that is. I have few friends, most are married and we don’t go out so I don’t get chances to meet men. *sigh*
Plus (and I”m not making excuses) I only have two free weekends a month. I can’t really take off in the evenings during the week otherwise I’d love to take some dance classes-and not just to meet men!
Now they ASK your favorite position before you’ve even met??
Okay, I’m too old for this shit…
I like the old way. Try ‘em all and figure it out by having fun with them.
(and any guy who’d interrupt my game is NOT at the top of my list).
Oh, I’ve met some nice guys on with online dating, as well as - surprisingly, some in bars. But it’s the chemistry thing that’s problematic. I can have great chemistry going on online, but then it’s not there in person. That’s what I mean about it being a waste of time for me. I have too many emails that I need to answer, web sites I need to update, blogs I need to write, etc. online that I’m ALWAYS behind on, that I just can’t add long email exchanges. But, I totally understand the convenience factor — and I’m glad it’s been much more successful for you in finding a match.
BTW - I forgot to mention that I was looking for a relationship. That’s probably the difference. If I were looking for a “friends with benefits,” there were numerous candidates who would have fit that bill. :-)
I’ve tried internet dating. And internet hook-ups. :) Yes, I admit I’m a fan of the freinds with benifits releationship. And I’ve done it on and off for about 5 years now..so here’s what I’ve learned.
1) Most Men lie. Yes they lie in person, but on the internet, they lie WAY MORE. As in, they say they look liek someone they’re not, they say they want a “friend with benifits” when they want a one night stand. They say they’re single when they’re married.
I have met a couple of very nice guys, some I’m still friends with.(and one guy was my Friend with benifits for 2 years before he moved away) And even they agree, that for men, the internet dating thing is a chance to be who you want to be, but thats not always who you are. So, while it’s a good way to meet people, don’t let ourself get to excited or get your hopes up until you meet in person. And always meet in person in public first. ANd always listen to your internal radar.
2) Don’t get sucked into chatting for weeks and never meeting.
3) Don’t get sucked into cyber sex talk. Remember, A)you get paid to write that stuff *grin*
B) if you give’em what they want online, then they WILL pigeon hole you as “that girl”. They’ll never see past the sex talk to being friends.
Good Luck!!
I’ve been single for 13 years. During that time I’ve had maybe 2 dates. If you could even really call them that. I was busy with an infant and a four year old, working 50+ hour weeks with 2 hours of commute time on top of that in DFW. Then I moved back to the Lubbock, TX area and went back to college. I tried going out then, but I was older than the college crowd and there were either desperate old geezers or they were way too young. Then I got the job that moved me back to DFW about 7 years ago. Between getting established in the new job and spending time with my kids during every free minute because I traveled so much, I haven’t dated since I moved here. The question is, is the fact that I haven’t dated because of circumstance or because I am a big fat chicken? I think a bit of both.
I tried the online thing, too. But, I too discovered that men do lie. And, no matter what I said about myself online, I felt like I was showing how desperate I was just by paying money to be rejected! I chatted with a few that seemed nice, but the reality is that they weren’t ready to actually meet someone, they were shopping. I didn’t meet anyone I would want to have around my kids - EVER. I didn’t even meet anyone I would want to be a “friend with benefits”. Sad, but true. I joined the eHarmony site and when I cancelled my membership the founder called (I wasn’t special, they were talking to others who didn’t renew) and asked why and how could it be a better experience for members. I told him what would help me. Find a way for people to not come across as religious zealots or complete jerks. Now I have 2 signed books by Neil Clark Warren that are gathering dust.
Anyway, the few friends I do have are at work and married, so I don’t know people that are in the same boat as me. The couple of single friends I have are in “relationships”, too.
So, I think I’ve resigned myself to singleness. 
Nowadays my idea of a good night is when my kids are gone and I have the house to myself - peace and quiet! SAD, Huh?
I want to read the advice you get, Amie, because I’m too young to have this attitude.
Besides the Internet, how do singles meet these days? 
Lynn hopefully someone will POP up with some advice because I dunno…….I hate bars. I always feel like everyone’s so desperate to find something you’re probably not going to find in a bar anyway…..And I hear you on the kids…that’s what I’ve done for the last ten years. And like you, I’m so glad for peace and quiet it’s hard to get motivated to go anywhere.
OMG Sasha I totally missed your answer…..thank you.
I totally agree on the lying. And I’m naturally suspicious anyway. As for cyber sex…I’d rather have my back tattooed–wait. I’d rather um eat brussel sprouts!
Does anyone remember Jordan’s blogpost about being invisible or not? I think that’s part of the reason I pierced my nose…..because I”m getting to the point I don’t want to be invisible anymore (ok so it’s a small piercing but still LOL)
Well, so far I’ve discovered that eharmony and on-line dating are no-no’s. I’d probably have a lot more action if I actually left the house.
Way to go on the piercing!!!
I’m a big wuss. I only have one set of piercings in my ears because it hurt so darn bad and I don’t heal worth a flip. No tattoos, nothing. ~ You are not invisible! ~ With or without the piercing.
I need to let down the wall I’ve built that plainly says - back off (or is that ‘don’t f**k with me?)
My fair godmother, like my writing muse, is missing in action!
I agree with Bailey about the need to get out of the house. However, the question still remains - “Where the hell to go?” My biggest adventures have been to school organization meetings and movies where I sit, in the dark, by myself. While that is sometimes desirable, it is also a sad testament about the state of my life.
Totally with you there on the Internet lying, Sasha and Cece.
Lynn, I really feel that organizations are a good way to meet people. In SF, there are singles social clubs, where singles get together to do things they’re interested in. When I had my motorcycle, I joined a singles motorcycle club. I’ve also done singles dinner clubs, hiking clubs, literary salons, etc. I’ve even met more women friends to hang out with at these things. The people seem more … real. We’re out doing things we enjoy doing and, if a hookup occurs, great. If not, we had fun doing stuff that we like to do.
I still feel strongly that the key is to get out. It’s nearly impossible to meet people inside. That fantasy about the fling with the hunky pool guy seems to be a myth. Of course, I don’t have a pool, so that does make it a bit more difficult. LOL
Here’s what I think. Go places. Get your girlfriends for a night out. Socialize. Join fun groups. Go to the museum; join professional organizations. There’s a thing called YAP - Young Active Professionals and they’re ALL over the place and for folks like you and me. Yes, folks in their 20s and 30s and 40s.
Yeah yeah yeah I know. We don’t have time for that with jobs, writing and kids. I KNOW. Finding a man online or in a bar or even in the grocery is just not going to happen. It NEVER has for me. It probably NEVER will. I’m only dating The Man, well, because he picked me. The sex is good (when I can get it GDI) and he makes me laugh, so you know… ;)
The bottom line is men are a total pain in the ass. How much time do you really want to invest in some stupid ass that’s going to cause you problems anyway? That’s the real question. If you think you want to go down that road, I say go for it. But ultimately, they’re a life-sucking force that make you want to scream. And believe me, I love men just as much as the next hetorsexual female. But that doesn’t mean I want to pick out curtains or anything.
Have I mentioned I never want to get married again? haha
Rachelle and Michelle are right about getting out
Mik my girlfriends have kids and one is married LOL but your’e right. I see your point. LOL@some stuipd ass